You ain’t needed an ID since you were fourteen.
Yet you say that you’re clean: 6 feet at twelve but can’t be on sports teams.
Start havin’ those porn dreams but can’t score honeys see.
When you’re a Jedi like me, but don’t use this Force to see
Foreign movies passed off as art scenes, full a’naked bodies; with full bush or shorn weaves.
Lawful good on shore leave is your future without me.

Saw Braveheart in theaters by myself like I liked it.
Drove a car at seven while you other bitches still triked it.
Drank my milk from yo mom right after I spiked it.
A fair-in-height tyke with escrow on my Tyko.

With a mind in junior high and a body clearly thirty,
You could get in-training cougars if you knew anything flirty.
They’d look at you, bite their lips, and hike up their skirts, see?
But your words seep out nerdy with a: “Gosh you’re really purdy.”

My chest looked like a bird’s nest when I started Spanish I.
Had a five o’clock shadow on the day that OJ won.
My dick was Cousin It when it stood at a-tten-tion.
Look: bouncers won’t say nothing when they think yo’ prostate’s done.

If you just come with me I’ll show you a new world-of-fun,
I say you’ll score ton, just let me out your core, son.
I been in you since birth, when you were named a Taurine.
Stubborn, now forlorn, but no need to mourn no more son.

If you could see what your inner eyes see:
A world of plenty meant for you and me.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.
Forget old plans and adopt new schemes;
Abandon kind, courteous, and thrifty.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.

Let’s take a look and examine your skills:
A suped-up super soldier without any kills.
Afraid to pull the trigger or cause a few spills,
You could fill your fills if this altar boy’s distilled.

But hey I’ll alter your numbers with a new alter id.
You’ll go from 0 to 60 in bed-post notches kid.
You’ll score forties from the store and stories for grandkids.
You’re a heat-seeking missile who’s, on paper, off the grid.

But all the girls in your class; they think your rocket is a dud.
So we’ll Desert Storm their assumptions and for dessert, serve them a SCUD.
You can do what you can’t and shouldn’t do what you should.
There ain’t no shame (but lots of pull) in being a poor-man’s Paul Rudd.

So buckle up your shoes and batten down your hatches.
We’ve got to mass-upload your style in some big downloaded patches.
You could strike up real heat, forget the safety matches.
Your sauce increase in heat from salty soys to Srirachas.

If you could see what your inner eyes see:
A world of plenty meant for you and me.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.
Forget old plans and adopt new schemes;
Abandon kind, courteous, and thrifty.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.

Turn a curse into a gift, so your body’s aged before your mind.
Your fruit’s no where near rotted, which they’ll see under the rind.
So pick a page from this lesson and do what you’re assigned;
You’ll have your peace of mind, when you’re mining pieces from behind.

Oh, but what’s that you say? You’re too scared, too afraid?
Afraid of getting caught, slapped, dissed, or pepper-sprayed?
Well, the riskier the mission, the bigger the parade.
And this ain’t no ticker-tape, this an aim-to-fuck crusade.

I’ll be your knight-in-arms and guide the direction of your lance.
Your squire in the shadows, showing you your fighting stance.
Your talents won’t be wasted, they won’t give a second glance;
As long as your balls are bold, your pair is old as France.

This singles cruise is leaving, so I hope that you’re on board.
Whether you like it or not, we’re not stopping ‘til you score.
We’re gonna rattle cages, and break some Oh!ak headboards.
Best be friends with orcs and goblins, ‘cause this whoring’s For the Horde!

Don’t stop/stay sharp; Here we go/let’s start.
Wake up/to a new; Life where/the star is you.
Be younger/look older; No more/cold shoulder.
Buy cigs/buy beer; Life’s better/with me here.

If you could see what your inner eyes see:
A world of plenty meant for you and me.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.
Forget old plans and adopt new schemes;
Abandon kind, courteous, and thrifty.
Age is just a number, though not legally;
Your sixteen’s now the new thirty-three.